I am not feeling particularly witty today. I got a cold last night and it is kicking my ass. My nose feels like I took sandpaper to it and my head feels like an overstuffed sausage. Oy. I could crawl into bed right now and stay there until Monday. I am also really out of it, distracted and fuzzy. Thankfully we are having steak fajitas tonight for dinner which is something that Josh can easily help me with.
But there is no rest for the weary, I need to do dishes and laundry too. My day is never done. It drives me crazy because Josh does not understand why I need him to do what I ask at the very moment that I ask it. Inevitably he will procrastinate and so while I am doing my share of the chores I am dwelling on what he is NOT doing and then I end up doing it myself out of fear that it just won't get done.
I hate having a messy house and some part of ours is always messy. I clean up Jacks toys multiple times a night and very rarely leave them out at the end of the night. But there is always a closet or corner that seems to collect all the crap that I am just too exhausted to deal with and eventually it will get so overwhelming that I have to spend most of a weekend just trying to rectify my laziness. Take my closet for example, I have been able to keep up on washing all of our laundry but by the time I am done with the rest of the crap that I have to cram into an evening (remember, I spent 8 hours of my day handling the work of 50 agents) I am too tired to tackle putting it away. So it piles up and Josh & I wear semi wrinkled clothes for a while until it gets so ridiculous that I have to put it all away at once instead of a little at a time. Or until it is all dirty and we start all over!
I know that it doesn't really make sense but right now I can only organize/fix one aspect of my life at a time and I am struggling to do even that. We are making strides with getting back on top of our bills and debt and hopefully our tax return will make big improvements but it is all just so stressful. I wish that I could win the lottery, pay someone to fix everything, then take a long vacation. Oh the things I would do if we won the lotto... I would not be one of those people who bought extravagant things and never worked again, instead preferring to dwindle their money away. Instead, I would continue to work, even just part time, I would buy a new car for both myself and Josh (nothing fancy just practical) I would buy a nice house that we could expand our family in and be comfortable for a long time, I would invest a lot and I would also donate to AIDS awareness/research, Cancer research/treatment and March of Dimes. I know, I have this all figured out. I even know what parts of the country we would buy property in based upon areas that are growing and improving and the property values there. I would also set aside money for Jackson and any additional children (I wouldn't tell them that nor would I just give it to them but it would be there if they needed help and would be theirs when I go). Trust me, I am very aware that I have thought more about how to spend my imaginary money than I have thought about how to better allocate the money I have now. But it helps me get through the tough times to think about life being easier some day.
So, now that I have just depressed and overwhelmed everyone reading this... but in all honesty things are looking up. Josh and I have hardly argued lately, Jackson seems to be listening a little bit better and every day we are working towards improving our lives. Whether it be applying for assistance or health insurance, paying a past due bill or simply going to church. We are making strides and that is the important part. Everybody struggles sometimes and the key is to not dwell in the trenches but to start digging and find a way out. I have faith that God has not forgotten about us, I know this because I speak with him often, and he only dishes out what we can handle. All the hardships that I have experienced in my life have made me the person that I am and I am grateful for that. When I need help or I feel like my life has become unmanageable I just turn it over to Him. And with that I am going to call it a day. I still have a half hour of work ahead of me.
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shanna dear heart. Life can be rough at times but be kind to yourself. A spotless house is not the most important thing. If you have clean clothes and a clean little boy and make good healthy meals dont worry so much about the house. It also takes two in a marriage and I would hope that Josh gets right in there without being asked. If you cant sit and watch tv then neither should he. If you have chores to do then so should he. Whoever is making supper, the other should be playing with Jack and keeping him amused. Life is not a soap apera but it can be rough. It takes two, unless there is only one....Shanna.... Dont nag Josh or yell, just tell him what you expect and when. if it doesnt get done, maybe his supper doesnt get done either....It takes two love....Now, feel better. I love you
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